


Fake Boyfriend

by Whattfisausername



Series: (Mostly Angst) Lams One-Shots [5]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexuality, Comedy, Crossdressing, F/F, Gay, Gay John Laurens, Genderbending, Google translate French I'm sorry, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Thomas Jefferson Being an Asshole, Who knew I could write stuff that isn't sad, not angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26581735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whattfisausername/pseuds/Whattfisausername
Summary: A gender bent collage au comedy.When Hailey Laurens comes from South Carolina to expecting meet her daughter's boyfriend, Alex must come up with a plan to save her crush. Originally posted here (https://www.wattpad.com/story/231885861-mostly-angst-lams-one-shots) on Wattpad, but has since been edited.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan
Series: (Mostly Angst) Lams One-Shots [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1931032
Kudos: 18





	Fake Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Xenophobia and mild homophobia

Alexandra Hamilton walked up to the door of her new dorm. She had at last made it from the Caribbean to New York and Kings College. She knocked on the door, ready to meet her roommates. A girl with curly brown hair, tan skin, and a galaxy of freckles opened the door. Alex had seen many attractive girls, but none of her crushes back home compared to the radiance of the woman she was standing in front of. She already felt herself getting lost in her chocolate brown eyes.

"Hey! You must be the new roomie. Come in," she said with a slight southern drawl, like a touch of molasses on a stack of warm fluffy pancakes. Alex quickly collected herself, as she would rather this girl's first impression of her not be 'disaster bi'.

"Thanks! I'm Alexandra Hamilton, but you can call me Alex." She said setting her bags down.

"I'm Joan Laurens, that's Hera Mulligan," she said pointing to a girl on the couch with short hair drinking a beer, "And her girlfriend, Marie-Josephine blah blah blah Lafayette," she continued, pointing to a girl with dark curly hair pulled into a ponytail and wearing a frilly navy blue dress.

"Pour la dernière fois, mon nom est Marie-Josephine Yvette Rochelle Gilberta du Mortier, Marquise de Lafayette!" (For the last time, my name is Marie-Josephine Yvette Rochelle Gilberta du Mortier, Marquise de Lafayette!) She switched back to English "But please dear, just call me Laff."

"Oh! Vous êtes ce célèbre noble français qui s'est faufilé ici sur un bateau habillé en homme! Vous êtes tellement cool!" (Oh! You are that French noblewoman who snuck here on a boat dressed as a man to avoid paparazzi! You're so cool!)

"Oui et merci. Votre français est excellent mon ami. D'où venez-vous?" (Yes and thank you. Your French is excellent, my friend. Where are you from?)

"Je viens des Caraïbes. Nevis en particulier. Mon père m'a appris le français. L'espagnol aussi." (I'm from the Caribbean. Nevis specifically. My dad taught me French. Spanish too.)

"Hey, Frenchie! Newbie! What the fuck are you even talking about," said Hera.

"All she said was she's from the Caribbean ma patate douce."

Hera blushed and pulled Laff into her lap, making her giggle. "I love you too my French fry." The two began making out.

"Um, excuse you! We're still here," Joan complained. Hera and Laff ignored her. She groaned at her friends.

"Come on Alex, let's leave those lovebirds alone and put your stuff away," She said, grabbing Alex's bags for her. She followed her into the room they shared, where the first thing she noticed was the massive lesbian flag hanging on the wall.

"See something you like," questioned Joan humorously.

"Well, looks like we have something in common. We both like girls," Alex said. The two laughed.

Joan quickly peaked her head out the door. "Laff you owe me and Hera $10 each!" Alex stared, confused.

"Oh, we were betting on whether the new roomie, that's you, would be some flavour of gay. Hera and I are both mega lesbians, and Laf's pan."

"Well, I'm a raging bi," she smiled.

Laff opened the door, shoved the $10 bill in Joan's face, and fake stomped off with cartoonish flair.

"Ya, Laff is a dramatic bitch but we love her." The two girls laughed again. Alex was going to like it in New York.

As the months went bi-I mean by, Alex had established herself within her new friend group, as a forced to be reckoned with in debate, and academically as a genius writer and talented speaker. Of course, those abilities often brought her into conflict with her peers.

"Honestly, Hamilton needs to put down her pens and shut the fuck up for once," Taunted her enemy, Thomasina 'Tommi' Jefferson.

"Okay then! You can take my pens and shove it! Either up your ass or down your throat! Doesn't really matter since all that comes out of either end is shit," retorted Alex.

"Hamilton! Jefferson! That's enough!" yelled a frustrated Professor Georgia Washington.

"Ya well, at least I have a girlfriend, while you can barely hold yourself together around Laurens! May I remind you she will never love an abandoned, bastard, orphan, depressed piece of nothing like you. Even if she did, you'd still care more about your pens. " Tommi said, referring to her girlfriend Jamie Madison.

"Not true!"

"Oh, if the shoe fits, wear it! So go back to Neville or wherever the fuck you're from, you illegal bitch."

"I'll go back to Nevis when you go back to Monticello! I came to this school and America fair and square. You just got lucky and were born here, into a family of capitalist assholes, who think money makes up for a lack of empathy and morality, and who paid so you could be here, even though you have the intelligence and eloquence of an off-brand chicken nugget. And please, Jamie only stays with you cause she's as sick in the head as she is in the lungs! She's mad as a hatter and never takes her medicine! Your relationship is in worse shape then your student debt will be in cause you spend all your money on Gucci and coochie! Sitting there useless as two shits. Hey, turn around, bend over! I'll show you where my shoe fits!"

"ALEXANDRA HAMILTON AND THOMASINA JEFFERSON! SIT THE FUCK DOWN! BOTH OF YOU!" They both sat down, knowing the Professor Washington swearing meant she was furious. "I will see you two after class!"

The rest of the class went by with incident. The bell rang and everyone packed up to leave, except for Alex and Tommi. It took everything in Alex not to flip off the southern girl.

"Now, I understand that neither of you likes each other, but I expect you to be civil in class," said the professor.

"That would be easier if Jefferson didn't constantly shit talk me for being an immigrant."

"Only when you can prove you didn't come here illegally. I know you hang out with that French bitch and everyone knows how she got here."

"She has a visa! She 'snuck' into America dressed as a man to avoid paparazzi!"

"Enough," said Washington

"You know what? You want to see my fucking visa? I'll show you,"

"You could have easily forged it. Face it, Hamilton, I'll never trust you and I'll never believe you."

"I'm not surprised, considering you believe everything Trump says. How the hell can you support him? He's blatantly homophobic, racist, and sexist! He's not your ally, he's your enemy! And you are a fucking hypocrite!"

"Fake news, libtard!"

"Enough," Washington yelled, startling the arguing women. "I'll be seeing both of you after class for the next week, starting today, and if you can't learn to tolerate each other, I'll stretch it out for the rest of the term. Am I clear?"

"Yes Ma'am," they responded begrudgingly.

"Good. Now take a seat on opposite ends of the room, and don't even think of looking at each other for the next hour," she said. Alex took a seat in the far back corner and pulled out her phone to check the group chat.

Turtle Girl: So ya, if my mom finds out, I'll be broke, homeless, and probably unable to pay tuition. In other words, absolutely fucked.

Creole Bastard: I'm sorry, what's going on? You okay, Jo?

Baguette: O VOUS AVEZ ÉTÉ LA BAISE RÉELLE, HAMILTON! VOUS NOUS AVONS INQUIÉTÉS DE NOTRE ESPRIT DE GODDAMN! (WHERE THE ACTUAL FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN, HAMILTON! YOU'VE HAD US WORRIED OUT OF OUR GODDAMN MINDS!)

Creole Bastard: Jesus, sorry! I got in a fight with Jeffershit and Washington is making us stay after class for the next week/probably the rest of the year.

Hot Pants: What were you fighting about this time?

Creole Bastard: The usual. She called me and Laff illegal, so I called her out for being a spoiled brainless brat.

Baguette: Mon amis, you don't have to defend me.

Creole Bastard: Yes I do. That's what friends are for.

Creole Bastard: Anyway, can someone explain what you were talking about earlier and why Jo is potentially fucked?

Turtle Girl: Okay so, you know how my mom is super homophobic.

Creole Bastard: Ya

Turtle Girl: Well, to get her off my back I told her I had a boyfriend and now she's coming from South Carolina to visit and is expecting to meet him.

Creole Bastard: ...

Creole Bastard: I may have something that can help. When is she coming?

Turtle Girl: Saturday. 2 days.

Creole Bastard: Okay, that's plenty of time.

Hot Pants: So, what's your plan, Ham?

Creole Bastard: It's hard to explain over text. I'll show you when I get back to the dorm.

Turtle Girl: Sounds good to me. Thank you so much, Alex! You're the best!

She was about to put her phone away when she got a direct text from Hera.

Hot Pants: So, when are you gonna tell Lauren's you like her.

Creole Bastard: Um. Never?

Hot Pants: Oh come on Hammy!

Creole Bastard: Since when do you call me Hammy?

Hot Pants: Since when is Alexandra "Fears nothing and nobody" Hamilton afraid of asking out her crush. It's not like you have to worry if she likes girls or not.

Creole Bastard: I know. It's just. There's something about Joan that makes my brain short-circuit every time I look at her. She's the only person who's ever made me feel that way. Ugh. I hate that I can never properly articulate how I feel about her. And that's the problem, I think. My words got me out of hell, so the idea that someone like her can so easily take them away, without meaning to, is terrifying. She's so captivating and magical it's borderline horrific.

Hot Pants: Okay, Shakespeare. No need to soliloquize.

Creole Bastard: Sorry, but ya, I have no intention of ever telling Jo how I feel.

Hot Pants: You're impossible

Creole Bastard: You love me

Hot Pants: nO hOmO tHoUgH

Creole Bastard: nO hOmO

Alex spent the rest of her detention texting friends and perfecting her plan to help Joan, which would involve a quick trip to the Schuyler brothers. Thus, once she could leave, she hailed the first cab she could and sped off to their Upper East Side apartment. As soon as she arrived she was greeted by the oldest of the brothers, Angelo.

"Oh! Alex! Hi!" he said, quickly ushering her inside. She giggled internally. She knew that Angelo had a huge crush on her, and so did Elijah, the middle brother, but unfortunately for them she liked Jo. However, if she hadn't met Jo, she may have had a tough time choosing between them. Angelo was the classic tall, dark, and handsome type, and he had the brains to boot. Elijah was lovable and supportive, with a soft face that you just wanted to squish. Now that she thought of it, the only Schuyler brother that didn't have a crush on her was Peter, the youngest, but he probably would if he wasn't gay.

"Hey Jello," she said, calling him by his nickname. "Where are 'Lijah and Pete?"

"Oh, they're here. I'll call them," he said before quickly going to find them.

Minutes later they emerged, with Peter running full force at Alex. She barely managed not to fall over as he hugged her.

"Alex," he whined. "Tell my brothers to stop making fun of me!"

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"Our dear Peter has a crush on a Mr. Miles Lewis," said Elijah.

"I-I don't!" He blushed.

"Aw, little Pete has a crush!"

"Don't encourage them, Alexandra!"

"Just admit you like him, Maximiliano!" Angelo yelled.

"Wait? Your name isn't actually Peter?"

"You didn't know? I go by my middle name. I mean, you would too if your name was Maximiliano. And before you ask, I don't go by Max because it sounds childish, and every Maximiliano goes by Max"

"That's news to me."

"Back to what I was saying," said Angelo, "Why can't you just tell him?"

"Because he's dating this girl named Jamie Reynolds."

"Hey, don't lose hope. If they break up, you might still have a chance. He could be bi or pan or even a fully closeted gay. You never know." said Alex, aware of the irony that she wanted Peter to talk to his crush, while being terrified to confess her feelings to hers.

"Sorry to change topics but I need you guys to help me help Jo."

"No worries. You do you need," asked Peter.

Alex briefly explained her plan to them, which they were more than happy to help with. Elijah allowed her to borrow what she needed, with a promise to return the items on Sunday. With that, she finally got to go home to her dorm.

"Look who's back!" yelled Hera.

"Hey!" greeted Laff and Joan with a shout!

"Hey, guys! I'm back, and I know just how to save your ass, Jo! Laff, can I borrow your makeup?"

"Sûre!" (Sure!)

Alex bee-lined for the bathroom and prepared her trial run of the plan. It took 2 hours, 4 online tutorials, and more contour than Kim Kardashian, but she finally achieved the look she was going for.

"You three all ready to see this?" she asked.

"Yes!" they answered.

The moment she stepped out of the bathroom, their jaws broke through the floor.

"Alex! This is perfect!" Joan said.

Saturday came quickly, almost too quickly for Alex and Joan. The curly-haired girl shifted uncomfortably in the cab's seat. She didn't like wearing dresses or makeup, but for the sake of looking as "straight" as possible, she wore both. The makeup was making her face board-line itchy, and the dress was too breezy for her liking.

"It's just for a few hours. You'll be okay," said Alex. Though she could she Joan's obvious discomfort, she still looked beautiful, with the cinnamon dress complimenting her freackled skin, and the makeup (curtesy of Laff) making her eyes sparkle.

"Do you think this will work?"

"Well, there's no turning back now, but it should. The driver bought it."

As soon as they soon pulled up to the fancy-looking restaurant, Alex looked out the window and saw a woman who looked vaguely like Joan.

"I think I see your mom."

Joan took a deep breath as the cab stopped.

"You're right. That's her. You ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

The two girls stepped out of the cab, paid the driver, and walked over to Mrs. Laurens.

"Mom!" said Joan, fanning excitement.

"Jojo! My dear! So good to see you!" she said, hugging her daughter.

"Mom, this is my boyfriend," she said, gesturing towards Alex. She was wearing a full set of men's dress clothes (thanks to Elijah, and the miracle that they were the same size), had painted on stubble, a carved out face, and her hair was pulled in a small bun. She thought she looked like a man, but now was the moment of truth.

"Alexander Hamilton. A pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Laurens," she said, dropping her voice. She held out her hand, which Mrs. Laurens gladly shook.

"The pleasure is mine Alexander, but please, call me Hailey."

"In that case, call me Alex."

"Well, Jojo, Alex follow me!" she said, turning on her heel and walking towards the restaurant. Alex and Joan breathed a sigh of relief. Now all Alex had to do was keep her voice low and resist killing Hailey if the conversation got political.

She leaned into her pretend girlfriend's ear. "Jojo?"

"Yes. She's called me that since I was a kid but if you ever call me that, I'll take out every single one of your internal organs." she said, the threat not entirely a joke. They followed Hailey into the restaurant. The moment they stepped in, Alex felt very uncomfortable. The place screamed 'rich people only' and the struggling immigrant felt very out of place. A waitress quickly led them to their table. Alex, acting as a chivalrous gentleman, pulled out the chairs for Joan, then Hailey. They quickly ordered their drinks and food.

"So, Alex, how did you and Jojo meet?"

"My friend Elijah introduced us at a party." She said, quickly coming up with a lie.

"Well, I'm glad you did. I worried that she was..." she leaned in and whispered, "A lesbian. She paused and smiled. "So glad that's not true, isn't that right, dear?"

"Yes, Mom," she said, trying to sound as genuine as possible.

"Good. So, what school do you go too?"

"I go to Kings too. I have a major in journalism with a minor in law."

"Really? Have you had any classes with Jojo? Oh, what am I saying? You must since she's majoring in law."

Alex laughed, hiding her confusion. Jo was studying marine biology, not law. How much else was she hiding from her mom?

"I just realized something. My good friend Senator Schuyler has a son named Elijah who goes to Kings. Is that your friend you mentioned earlier?" Alex debated whether to tell her the truth, but fortunately, Jo answered for her.

"No, it was a different Elijah."

"Oh, nevermind then."

The dinner passed by uneventfully, though the more Hailey talked, the more Alex grew to despise her, even more than Jefferson. The fact that Jo was so un-like her was a miracle, and that made Alex hate her more. Instead of loving the intelligent, compassionate, beautiful woman her daughter truly was, so would love a passive, fake persona. She was more than relieved when their dinner concluded and they walked outside to say their goodbyes.

"It was lovely to see you again, my dear! I wish you visited more often," said Hailey.

"Love you too, Mom. I wish I could, but I'm just so busy with school," said Joan.

"I second that," said Alex, making Hailey laugh.

"You are a wonderful young man, Alex. It was a pleasure to meet you and I hope to see you again soon,"

"The pleasure was mine, Hailey."

A cab pulled up, and Hailey sighed. "That's mine. Goodbye, you two!"

"Bye," they called out after her.

"Holy motherbitching shitass that fucking worked," said Jo, letting out all the curse words she had been holding in throughout the night.

"Remind me never to go to South Carolina or I may have to take a violent pit stop."

"Noted"

The girls called their own cab, more than ready to head home.

"Hey, Jo?"

"Ya?"

"Why did you lie to your mom about your major?"

"I've always wanted to work with marine life, that or something artsy, but my mom wants me to be a politician like herself."

"How long are you planning on hiding that from your mom?"

"I've hidden that I'm a lesbian from her ever since I could understand that she's homophobic, and I have no intention of stopping soon."

"Jo, she's gonna find out eventually, so why hide it? How are you so quick to punch a racist at a bar but you can't stick up to your bigoted mom?" 

"Because she has money, Alex. I need that money." she sighed. "Look, one day when I'm done college and have a job, I'm cutting her out of my life for good, but until then I just have to keep my mouth shut."

"Talk less, smile more. Like Anna says," she said, referring to her friend Anna Burr.

"Exactly. Not that you, Miss Alexandra 'Can't keep her damn mouth shut for 5 seconds' Hamilton, know how to do so," She joked.

"Actually, I can." She said. She would be a hypocrite for not being honest with Jo while questioning her for not being honest with her mom.

"Quit lying, Alex," she said with a chuckle.

"Okay then. Jo, I have a massive crush on you. Ever since I saw you, You've infatuated me. You're the coolest, most passionate, charismatic, bold, kind, empathetic, and beautiful women I've ever meet. I hope to prove to you, not just with words, but with actions, that I love you. You shouldn't have made me fall in love with you, but here we are, and I'm not holding back anymore. I love you, Joan." Jo didn't respond with anything other than a shocked look on her face, and Alex freaked out.

"I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said anything!"

"Alex?"

"I understand if you don't feel the same way."

"Alex."

"Hell, I understand if you hate me now."

"Alex!"

"Yes," she asked, surprised.

"Kiss me."

Alex stood on her tiptoes, wrapping her arms around Joan's neck as she wrapped hers around her waist. She pressed her lips to Joan's, revelling in the taste of her mint lip gloss, delighting herself in the scent of saltwater, spice, and Sam Adams. The cab driver honking at them, making them jump apart. They laughed and piled into the car.

"So, as thanks for helping me, and the best kiss of my life, why don't I take you out for a proper date sometime soon?"

"So long as it's not full of rich assholes you got a deal."

Alexandra had made her way from Nevis to Kings College, and into Joan's heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Be sure to leave a like and kudos!


End file.
